36 Questions Frequently Asked in Thailand about Homosexuality
How do you know if you are homosexual?
Ask yourself three questions: YOUR IDENTITY “Do you think of yourself as male or female (most are one or the other in terms of self-identity). YOUR PRESENTATION “Do you act, dress, and want to look like a male, a female, or in between?” YOUR PRACTICE “Do you prefer and get satisfaction out of romance and sex with someone of the same sex as you identify yourself to be, or the opposite sex, or either sex. If you think of yourself as male and the person you prefer is male, you are thinking like a homosexual. If you could prefer a person of either sex you are thinking like a bi-sexual.
What causes a person to be homosexual?
Science is not sure. None of the ideas that have been discussed have been proved. For example, it is uncertain how much influence a father or mother may have on early childhood sexual development; the idea that there is a “gay” chromosome is no longer seriously considered. Experience with homosexual acts is definitely NOT a cause.
What is meant by a “homosexual orientation”?
A person’s sexual orientation is one’s basic preference for romantic sexual relationships and activities. It is answered by a question like, “If you had a completely free choice, would you rather have a sexual encounter with a male or with a female?” If you identify yourself as a male and would prefer to have sex with a male then you are homosexual in your orientation.
How many homosexuals are there in Thailand?
In every culture and country in the world there are between 3 to 13% of men and 2 to 7% of women who are basically oriented toward same-sex preferences for romance and sex. The Kinsey institute says, “10% of males were predominantly homosexual between the ages of 16 and 55. 2 to 6% of females age 20-35 were more or less exclusively homosexual in experience/response.” See this site for more details. Other research verifies these percentages and insists the percentages are consistent around the world.
Are there more homosexuals in Thailand than other countries?
There is no evidence that there are more homosexuals in Thailand than in other countries. However, there is greater toleration of homosexuals (especially katoeys) so it is not as necessary to hide. In countries and cultures where it is dangerous to be homosexual, you will not see as many homosexuals, of course, but they are there.
Are there degrees of homosexuality?
Can someone be just a little bit gay? If one is homosexual it means one is oriented to the same sex (“homo” means “same”). But very few of us are 100% homosexual or completely heterosexual. 80% of us are somewhere in between. “Kinsey estimated that nearly 46% of the male population had engaged in both heterosexual and homosexual activities or ‘reacted to’ persons of both sexes,” according to the Kinsey Institute. If about 5% of the population is exclusively homosexual, that means that about 49% of the population is exclusively heterosexual. In other places Kinsey says that the percentage of males who are exclusively heterosexual throughout their life, like the percentage that is exclusively homosexual, is “very small”. We can conclude that on the Kinsey scale about 10% are 0-1, absolutely or almost exclusively heterosexual and 10% are almost exclusively or absolutely homosexual, which are 5-6 on the Kinsey scale. That leaves 80% in between. Kinsey estimates 11% are in the very middle, equally involved with either sex.
Are there types of homosexuality?
There are men who want sex with men, and men who want sex with anybody they like (men or women); there are women who want sex only with women, or who get as much excitement and satisfaction out of sex with men as with women. These could be types of homosexuality. There are also many, many types of sexual practices, some of which have been given scientific names or slang names.
Is homosexuality an illness?
Homosexuality is not an illness. It does not need to be cured or treated medically.
How can you be cured of being a homosexual?
There is no way to cure, “repair”, change, or reverse a person’s sexual orientation. Therapies that propose to do this have been denounced by the world’s largest medical associations in the United States and the United Kingdom. They are not helpful and can actually be harmful. Some therapies can affect a person’s sexual behavior, but not one’s basic orientation.
Isn’t homosexuality against the laws of nature?
There is homosexual behavior in many animals in nature. It is natural for some. The idea that homosexual behavior is unnatural is based on the narrow view that all sexual behavior should be for the purpose of producing children. This is a religious/social idea, not a scientific one.
Is it true that a guy is not gay if he is always a “top”?
What a guy prefers as a sexual activity is not necessarily connected to his sexual orientation. The whole idea that one can be “more of a man” by doing certain things is only a matter of attitude.
DOUBTS
How can I be gay when nobody in our family has ever been gay?
Being gay is not an inherited trait. It is not genetic. But in any population sample, if it is big enough, there are some gays and lesbians. Your family is no exception.
How can I be gay if I once had sex with a girl?
Successful performance of a sex act is not proof alone of one’s orientation. Many heterosexual men have had sex with other males, but they are not gay. Some homosexual men have been married to women and have children, but they are still basically homosexual in their orientation, even though they may be bi-sexual in their performance.
Can’t a person think they are homosexual, but be wrong?
The mind can be deceptive. But in the long run the truth tends to become clear. Actually, more homosexuals may mistakenly think they are heterosexual than the other way around because society makes us want to be like the majority, so we try to be. We may believe, for a while, that we are “real men” or not queer. Men who have “gotten over being gay” are men who really have discovered they were never exclusively oriented toward sex with males.
How can you say nobody can change their orientation? Some have.
The only clinically proven cases of change of sexual orientation were those whose orientation was actually other than they thought it was. In other words, they did not change their orientation. Rather, they discovered their real orientation. We cannot choose or change our sexual orientation. See the Truth Wins Out website for more detailed information on this topic.
I have been told that there is a conspiracy to make being gay seem all right.
This is a popular idea among conservative people in the USA and other countries where the fear of homosexuality is great. Medical societies and psychiatrists now agree that homosexuality is real and one’s sexual orientation cannot be changed. Realizing that some of us are gay has been reason for us to try to gain social status, legal rights and equal opportunities. There is a movement toward these goals. Those who oppose this movement call it a conspiracy.
Is a katoey really a man or a woman?
A katoey is a female personality in a male body (who might like to change his body in some ways) or is an effeminate male in a male body (who is more or less happy with his body). It is unfair to call someone a katoey just because he looks, sounds or acts somewhat like females are presumed to do.
If a male is raped or seduced by another male can that make him gay?
No.
CONCERNS
Why do so many people hate homosexuals?
They are afraid. Fear is the real reason. This can be proved by removing the fear such as often happens when a person becomes acquainted with a gay relative. The hate goes away just like magic.
What should children be taught about homosexuality?
People of all ages need to learn that sexual diversity is not wrong. Sexual diversity is just as natural as physical diversity or intellectual diversity.
How can you keep people from knowing you’re homosexual?
We call that “staying in the closet.” But in Thailand there is also the “ambiguity principle.” That is, most people don’t really want to know for sure that you’re a homosexual, so don’t tell them what they don’t want to know. Don’t talk about it with people who don’t need to know. However, your parents need to know as soon as you are sure. Remember, there is really nothing we can do to keep people from talking, so it is not going to work to try to keep them from gossiping.
What can you do when parents want you to change from being gay?
Give them time to get used to you as a homosexual. They will probably decide that you are better when you are happy and good to them than when you are having to defy them, avoid them, or are miserable trying to obey them. Anyway, you can’t decide to stop being what you were born to be.
What can I do if I was born the wrong sex?
Changing one’s sex is possible. Some simply adopt the dress and appearance of the other sex. Some try to have medical and surgical changes. Check out this website on Sex Change Therapy for more detailed information.
Can I change the shape of my “this or that” safely?
Breasts can be enlarged or reduced by surgery fairly safely. The penis can be enlarged by surgery to a small extent, but it is not as safe. Changing a clitoris into a penis can be done, but not all male functions can be included. Changing a penis into a vagina and clitoris is also complex and not always satisfactory. Always consult a doctor who is a specialist about these surgical procedures. Using estrogen to increase one’s breasts and to stop male development can work if it is started in time, but there are risks from using hormones over long periods of time. “Pumps” to increase the size of a penis do not work. Medicine to increase the basic size of a penis are dangerous and do not work. Viagra can increase the amount of one’s erection if that is needed. The best thing is to try to be happy with yourself without changing anything drastically. Physical exercise is good too.
What can I do if I have urges to do sexual things that are wrong?
First ask, “Who says they are wrong?” “What makes them wrong?” For example, some people still insist that masturbation is wrong, but there is no medical or logical reason it is; it is natural and it is OK. Usually the line between right and wrong is when something sexual is physically dangerous or when the other person has not consented. One example is the urge to spy on people who are naked or doing something sexual. It is wrong because it violates their right to privacy. If your urges are persistent and interfere with your functioning normally or your peace of mind you may need professional counseling.
What can I do if someone wants to do something to me I don’t want?
You have the right to say, “No.” If someone tries to force you to do something you don’t want, you should refuse. If you need to call for help you should call, or resist as best you can. If that ends your friendship be happy you found out as soon as you did that this person is not a good friend for you.
Why do gay guys have sex with many different partners?
To be honest, human beings are not naturally monogamous. Multiple partners are more natural for us. But social, cultural and religious rules are based on the idea that family, community and political (national) life is more stable when marriage is permanent. However, gay men feel we are basically already outside the rules, so those rules don’t apply to us. We can ignore them and do what we want to do. We are just not trying to live within the same rules as others choose to do.
For more information on this topic, the following two books are recommended:
SEX AT DAWN: HOW WE MATE, WHY WE STRAY, AND WHAT IT MEANS FOR MODERN RELATIONSHIPS
THE ETHICAL SLUT: A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO POLYAMORY, OPEN RELATIONSHIPS & OTHER ADVENTURES
Can you use up your sexual “resources” by too much sex?
No. One’s semen and other sex fluids are replenished throughout life. But older men have a slower recovery rate than younger men.
What is wrong with older guys having sex with younger guys?
If the younger guy is under the age of 18, having sex with him is illegal. The reason for 18 as the legal age of consent is to make sure that the person is old enough to know what is right and best for himself and mature and powerful enough to say “no” effectively. If both guys are old enough, then age is only as important as the two men say it is.
Can watching porn make a gay person worse?
The question implies that being gay is bad. Pornography cannot make one gay or more gay. Porn can be OK, but it can also be addictive. Most porn is not helpful to a healthy person and after a while it is not even interesting.
INTERESTS
Why do gay relationships end quickly?
Relationships are complex. There is no reliable statistical evidence that gay relationships are more fragile than heterosexual relationships and marriages. Many gay relationships last for years. However, the tradition for many centuries has been that some gay relationships are meant to be short-term. The young man expects to end a relationship when he gets to a certain point in life. Also, gay relationships often start out with a certain narrow range of common interests; if that doesn’t expand the relationship will probably grow unsustainable.
Are different races “built” differently?
The average length of an erect penis is 5 ½ to 6 inches for all races. There is a common belief that black men have larger penises and Chinese men have smaller ones, but the difference is less (if there is any difference) when the penis is “hard.” Modern research has concluded, “It is worth noting that there is no correlation between penile size and race.” See this site for more details. “In reality, the mean length of the erect penis appears to be only about 5.88 inches (14.9 centimeters).” However, individual differences in size and shape are very great. Big is not better for satisfaction.
Are there any physical ways of knowing if a person is gay?
No. The length of the ring finger, the shape of the eyebrows, and the size of anything is not evidence of homosexuality. No physical or mental test for homosexuality has ever been devised that will consistently determine whether a person is gay or not.
Are there any behavioral characteristics that prove a person is homosexual?
No. “Real boys” play with dolls sometimes. Some “real men” get a thrill out of putting on women’s panties. Drinking tea with the little finger in the air proves nothing definite. Not even what you do in bed is proof. The only proof of homosexual orientation is one’s sexual preference and feelings. An outsider can’t tell for sure by observing.
Were there ever any famous homosexuals?
There were many. But the definition of homosexual today may not apply to some ancient cultures, so lists of gay men from ancient times are not reliable. Be certain, nevertheless, there were many gay heroes and leaders. They have appeared in every culture and country. The world would be far worse off without us. Click here to see a list of famous gay people throughout history. This list is mostly Western in its makeup (apologies!) and, of course, is just a sampling and in no way meant to be exhaustive.
What will help Thai people be more accepting of homosexuals?
Nothing works better to help people be more accepting of sexual diversity than having a close relative who is gay or bisexual or transgender. The more of us that “come out” the more accepting our society will be.
September 2012
Ask yourself three questions: YOUR IDENTITY “Do you think of yourself as male or female (most are one or the other in terms of self-identity). YOUR PRESENTATION “Do you act, dress, and want to look like a male, a female, or in between?” YOUR PRACTICE “Do you prefer and get satisfaction out of romance and sex with someone of the same sex as you identify yourself to be, or the opposite sex, or either sex. If you think of yourself as male and the person you prefer is male, you are thinking like a homosexual. If you could prefer a person of either sex you are thinking like a bi-sexual.
What causes a person to be homosexual?
Science is not sure. None of the ideas that have been discussed have been proved. For example, it is uncertain how much influence a father or mother may have on early childhood sexual development; the idea that there is a “gay” chromosome is no longer seriously considered. Experience with homosexual acts is definitely NOT a cause.
What is meant by a “homosexual orientation”?
A person’s sexual orientation is one’s basic preference for romantic sexual relationships and activities. It is answered by a question like, “If you had a completely free choice, would you rather have a sexual encounter with a male or with a female?” If you identify yourself as a male and would prefer to have sex with a male then you are homosexual in your orientation.
How many homosexuals are there in Thailand?
In every culture and country in the world there are between 3 to 13% of men and 2 to 7% of women who are basically oriented toward same-sex preferences for romance and sex. The Kinsey institute says, “10% of males were predominantly homosexual between the ages of 16 and 55. 2 to 6% of females age 20-35 were more or less exclusively homosexual in experience/response.” See this site for more details. Other research verifies these percentages and insists the percentages are consistent around the world.
Are there more homosexuals in Thailand than other countries?
There is no evidence that there are more homosexuals in Thailand than in other countries. However, there is greater toleration of homosexuals (especially katoeys) so it is not as necessary to hide. In countries and cultures where it is dangerous to be homosexual, you will not see as many homosexuals, of course, but they are there.
Are there degrees of homosexuality?
Can someone be just a little bit gay? If one is homosexual it means one is oriented to the same sex (“homo” means “same”). But very few of us are 100% homosexual or completely heterosexual. 80% of us are somewhere in between. “Kinsey estimated that nearly 46% of the male population had engaged in both heterosexual and homosexual activities or ‘reacted to’ persons of both sexes,” according to the Kinsey Institute. If about 5% of the population is exclusively homosexual, that means that about 49% of the population is exclusively heterosexual. In other places Kinsey says that the percentage of males who are exclusively heterosexual throughout their life, like the percentage that is exclusively homosexual, is “very small”. We can conclude that on the Kinsey scale about 10% are 0-1, absolutely or almost exclusively heterosexual and 10% are almost exclusively or absolutely homosexual, which are 5-6 on the Kinsey scale. That leaves 80% in between. Kinsey estimates 11% are in the very middle, equally involved with either sex.
Are there types of homosexuality?
There are men who want sex with men, and men who want sex with anybody they like (men or women); there are women who want sex only with women, or who get as much excitement and satisfaction out of sex with men as with women. These could be types of homosexuality. There are also many, many types of sexual practices, some of which have been given scientific names or slang names.
Is homosexuality an illness?
Homosexuality is not an illness. It does not need to be cured or treated medically.
How can you be cured of being a homosexual?
There is no way to cure, “repair”, change, or reverse a person’s sexual orientation. Therapies that propose to do this have been denounced by the world’s largest medical associations in the United States and the United Kingdom. They are not helpful and can actually be harmful. Some therapies can affect a person’s sexual behavior, but not one’s basic orientation.
Isn’t homosexuality against the laws of nature?
There is homosexual behavior in many animals in nature. It is natural for some. The idea that homosexual behavior is unnatural is based on the narrow view that all sexual behavior should be for the purpose of producing children. This is a religious/social idea, not a scientific one.
Is it true that a guy is not gay if he is always a “top”?
What a guy prefers as a sexual activity is not necessarily connected to his sexual orientation. The whole idea that one can be “more of a man” by doing certain things is only a matter of attitude.
DOUBTS
How can I be gay when nobody in our family has ever been gay?
Being gay is not an inherited trait. It is not genetic. But in any population sample, if it is big enough, there are some gays and lesbians. Your family is no exception.
How can I be gay if I once had sex with a girl?
Successful performance of a sex act is not proof alone of one’s orientation. Many heterosexual men have had sex with other males, but they are not gay. Some homosexual men have been married to women and have children, but they are still basically homosexual in their orientation, even though they may be bi-sexual in their performance.
Can’t a person think they are homosexual, but be wrong?
The mind can be deceptive. But in the long run the truth tends to become clear. Actually, more homosexuals may mistakenly think they are heterosexual than the other way around because society makes us want to be like the majority, so we try to be. We may believe, for a while, that we are “real men” or not queer. Men who have “gotten over being gay” are men who really have discovered they were never exclusively oriented toward sex with males.
How can you say nobody can change their orientation? Some have.
The only clinically proven cases of change of sexual orientation were those whose orientation was actually other than they thought it was. In other words, they did not change their orientation. Rather, they discovered their real orientation. We cannot choose or change our sexual orientation. See the Truth Wins Out website for more detailed information on this topic.
I have been told that there is a conspiracy to make being gay seem all right.
This is a popular idea among conservative people in the USA and other countries where the fear of homosexuality is great. Medical societies and psychiatrists now agree that homosexuality is real and one’s sexual orientation cannot be changed. Realizing that some of us are gay has been reason for us to try to gain social status, legal rights and equal opportunities. There is a movement toward these goals. Those who oppose this movement call it a conspiracy.
Is a katoey really a man or a woman?
A katoey is a female personality in a male body (who might like to change his body in some ways) or is an effeminate male in a male body (who is more or less happy with his body). It is unfair to call someone a katoey just because he looks, sounds or acts somewhat like females are presumed to do.
If a male is raped or seduced by another male can that make him gay?
No.
CONCERNS
Why do so many people hate homosexuals?
They are afraid. Fear is the real reason. This can be proved by removing the fear such as often happens when a person becomes acquainted with a gay relative. The hate goes away just like magic.
What should children be taught about homosexuality?
People of all ages need to learn that sexual diversity is not wrong. Sexual diversity is just as natural as physical diversity or intellectual diversity.
How can you keep people from knowing you’re homosexual?
We call that “staying in the closet.” But in Thailand there is also the “ambiguity principle.” That is, most people don’t really want to know for sure that you’re a homosexual, so don’t tell them what they don’t want to know. Don’t talk about it with people who don’t need to know. However, your parents need to know as soon as you are sure. Remember, there is really nothing we can do to keep people from talking, so it is not going to work to try to keep them from gossiping.
What can you do when parents want you to change from being gay?
Give them time to get used to you as a homosexual. They will probably decide that you are better when you are happy and good to them than when you are having to defy them, avoid them, or are miserable trying to obey them. Anyway, you can’t decide to stop being what you were born to be.
What can I do if I was born the wrong sex?
Changing one’s sex is possible. Some simply adopt the dress and appearance of the other sex. Some try to have medical and surgical changes. Check out this website on Sex Change Therapy for more detailed information.
Can I change the shape of my “this or that” safely?
Breasts can be enlarged or reduced by surgery fairly safely. The penis can be enlarged by surgery to a small extent, but it is not as safe. Changing a clitoris into a penis can be done, but not all male functions can be included. Changing a penis into a vagina and clitoris is also complex and not always satisfactory. Always consult a doctor who is a specialist about these surgical procedures. Using estrogen to increase one’s breasts and to stop male development can work if it is started in time, but there are risks from using hormones over long periods of time. “Pumps” to increase the size of a penis do not work. Medicine to increase the basic size of a penis are dangerous and do not work. Viagra can increase the amount of one’s erection if that is needed. The best thing is to try to be happy with yourself without changing anything drastically. Physical exercise is good too.
What can I do if I have urges to do sexual things that are wrong?
First ask, “Who says they are wrong?” “What makes them wrong?” For example, some people still insist that masturbation is wrong, but there is no medical or logical reason it is; it is natural and it is OK. Usually the line between right and wrong is when something sexual is physically dangerous or when the other person has not consented. One example is the urge to spy on people who are naked or doing something sexual. It is wrong because it violates their right to privacy. If your urges are persistent and interfere with your functioning normally or your peace of mind you may need professional counseling.
What can I do if someone wants to do something to me I don’t want?
You have the right to say, “No.” If someone tries to force you to do something you don’t want, you should refuse. If you need to call for help you should call, or resist as best you can. If that ends your friendship be happy you found out as soon as you did that this person is not a good friend for you.
Why do gay guys have sex with many different partners?
To be honest, human beings are not naturally monogamous. Multiple partners are more natural for us. But social, cultural and religious rules are based on the idea that family, community and political (national) life is more stable when marriage is permanent. However, gay men feel we are basically already outside the rules, so those rules don’t apply to us. We can ignore them and do what we want to do. We are just not trying to live within the same rules as others choose to do.
For more information on this topic, the following two books are recommended:
SEX AT DAWN: HOW WE MATE, WHY WE STRAY, AND WHAT IT MEANS FOR MODERN RELATIONSHIPS
THE ETHICAL SLUT: A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO POLYAMORY, OPEN RELATIONSHIPS & OTHER ADVENTURES
Can you use up your sexual “resources” by too much sex?
No. One’s semen and other sex fluids are replenished throughout life. But older men have a slower recovery rate than younger men.
What is wrong with older guys having sex with younger guys?
If the younger guy is under the age of 18, having sex with him is illegal. The reason for 18 as the legal age of consent is to make sure that the person is old enough to know what is right and best for himself and mature and powerful enough to say “no” effectively. If both guys are old enough, then age is only as important as the two men say it is.
Can watching porn make a gay person worse?
The question implies that being gay is bad. Pornography cannot make one gay or more gay. Porn can be OK, but it can also be addictive. Most porn is not helpful to a healthy person and after a while it is not even interesting.
INTERESTS
Why do gay relationships end quickly?
Relationships are complex. There is no reliable statistical evidence that gay relationships are more fragile than heterosexual relationships and marriages. Many gay relationships last for years. However, the tradition for many centuries has been that some gay relationships are meant to be short-term. The young man expects to end a relationship when he gets to a certain point in life. Also, gay relationships often start out with a certain narrow range of common interests; if that doesn’t expand the relationship will probably grow unsustainable.
Are different races “built” differently?
The average length of an erect penis is 5 ½ to 6 inches for all races. There is a common belief that black men have larger penises and Chinese men have smaller ones, but the difference is less (if there is any difference) when the penis is “hard.” Modern research has concluded, “It is worth noting that there is no correlation between penile size and race.” See this site for more details. “In reality, the mean length of the erect penis appears to be only about 5.88 inches (14.9 centimeters).” However, individual differences in size and shape are very great. Big is not better for satisfaction.
Are there any physical ways of knowing if a person is gay?
No. The length of the ring finger, the shape of the eyebrows, and the size of anything is not evidence of homosexuality. No physical or mental test for homosexuality has ever been devised that will consistently determine whether a person is gay or not.
Are there any behavioral characteristics that prove a person is homosexual?
No. “Real boys” play with dolls sometimes. Some “real men” get a thrill out of putting on women’s panties. Drinking tea with the little finger in the air proves nothing definite. Not even what you do in bed is proof. The only proof of homosexual orientation is one’s sexual preference and feelings. An outsider can’t tell for sure by observing.
Were there ever any famous homosexuals?
There were many. But the definition of homosexual today may not apply to some ancient cultures, so lists of gay men from ancient times are not reliable. Be certain, nevertheless, there were many gay heroes and leaders. They have appeared in every culture and country. The world would be far worse off without us. Click here to see a list of famous gay people throughout history. This list is mostly Western in its makeup (apologies!) and, of course, is just a sampling and in no way meant to be exhaustive.
What will help Thai people be more accepting of homosexuals?
Nothing works better to help people be more accepting of sexual diversity than having a close relative who is gay or bisexual or transgender. The more of us that “come out” the more accepting our society will be.
September 2012
You're OK Little Brother
Little brother, you’re OK, and you certainly aren’t alone. There are lots of us here in Thailand and in every country and culture in the world. We are the ones who have romantic, sexual feelings toward other fellows, but not often about girls. It is our nature to be “turned on” my males. Did you hear? That is natural. It is OK.
Let’s say there are a thousand fellows in your school. Somewhere between 20 and 100 of them are like you. They include the katoey brothers who may not hide as well as some who are developing into “he-men” and who may be more successful in not letting anyone know they are attracted to male pictures and people.
So which of these two types are you, little brother? You aren’t sure yet? That’s OK, too.
If you are a katoey you are one of two types. One type feels like they are actually females and it is too bad they are born inside boy’s bodies. These girls-in-boys may decide to try to become women, with long hair, nail polish, something to make the breasts bigger, and so forth. The other type of katoey is like the guy I love and married. He is “mostly” a female in his attitudes, preferences, and his actions. But he is happy to have a male body and never thought about changing it. There are these two types, but there are guys in between.
If you are the “man” type you have an easier job getting along in society but a harder job living true to your character. You look and act like the other guys. You are in the big majority in the world. But the problem is you don’t think and feel like the other guys. The other guys are sexually attracted to females. Their thoughts, heart-beats, and sex organs get excited by females in certain situations. But we don’t. Our bodies, thoughts and sex organs get excited by males in certain situations, and as we grow older we try to get into those situations sometimes. So there are these two “man” types, the type that goes for women and the type that goes for men, but there are many in between. Whatever kind of man you are is OK, as long as you live true to your character.
Now we come to the psychological and social parts of this little talk.
Character is made up of two parts. One part of our character is who we are essentially. That is our basic nature, what is natural for us. Are we cautious or adventurous? Curious or contented? Affectionate or cool? And sexually are we drawn to males or females, both or neither? (A tiny few are non-sexual, really). The other part of our character is who we show ourselves to be to ourselves and others. Are we loyal, courteous, kind, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent, like good Scouts? That’s our outward character. Sexually, do we try to play the role of the male in situations with females?
The trouble comes when we are one thing but we act like we are another.
I was a gay boy but I tried to act like I was a “real man.” I thought I was a real man. But after a while a war broke out inside me between the two parts and I had to let the real me on the inside come out. I had it locked in a closet and it had to come out or I would not have been able to stand it.
I know a fellow who went to a famous school here. His war killed him. That is, he killed himself because he was never told it was OK to be who he was. His death was a tragedy that should not have happened. Suicide is not the right answer.
And that brings us to families and society.
Little brother, how would your family take it if they knew the truth about you? Would your dad be angry or violent? Would your mom cry? It’s terrible thing for a Thai boy to make his mom cry, but you can make it up to her.
Let’s see if we can agree that the main way a Thai fellow can show he’s a good son is to be supportive of his parents. It’s even more important than being obedient, isn’t it? If you can do that, sooner or later all else will be overlooked. If you can be supportive, you can be gay and it will be OK with your family. So don’t worry about your family. In the long run they will love you and they will accept you.
Listen, little brother, if you were made to love men and you try to marry a woman you will probably break her heart someday. Don’t do it. If you’re made for another kind of love you can’t win by fighting it. You’re OK just the way you are.
April 2012
Let’s say there are a thousand fellows in your school. Somewhere between 20 and 100 of them are like you. They include the katoey brothers who may not hide as well as some who are developing into “he-men” and who may be more successful in not letting anyone know they are attracted to male pictures and people.
So which of these two types are you, little brother? You aren’t sure yet? That’s OK, too.
If you are a katoey you are one of two types. One type feels like they are actually females and it is too bad they are born inside boy’s bodies. These girls-in-boys may decide to try to become women, with long hair, nail polish, something to make the breasts bigger, and so forth. The other type of katoey is like the guy I love and married. He is “mostly” a female in his attitudes, preferences, and his actions. But he is happy to have a male body and never thought about changing it. There are these two types, but there are guys in between.
If you are the “man” type you have an easier job getting along in society but a harder job living true to your character. You look and act like the other guys. You are in the big majority in the world. But the problem is you don’t think and feel like the other guys. The other guys are sexually attracted to females. Their thoughts, heart-beats, and sex organs get excited by females in certain situations. But we don’t. Our bodies, thoughts and sex organs get excited by males in certain situations, and as we grow older we try to get into those situations sometimes. So there are these two “man” types, the type that goes for women and the type that goes for men, but there are many in between. Whatever kind of man you are is OK, as long as you live true to your character.
Now we come to the psychological and social parts of this little talk.
Character is made up of two parts. One part of our character is who we are essentially. That is our basic nature, what is natural for us. Are we cautious or adventurous? Curious or contented? Affectionate or cool? And sexually are we drawn to males or females, both or neither? (A tiny few are non-sexual, really). The other part of our character is who we show ourselves to be to ourselves and others. Are we loyal, courteous, kind, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent, like good Scouts? That’s our outward character. Sexually, do we try to play the role of the male in situations with females?
The trouble comes when we are one thing but we act like we are another.
I was a gay boy but I tried to act like I was a “real man.” I thought I was a real man. But after a while a war broke out inside me between the two parts and I had to let the real me on the inside come out. I had it locked in a closet and it had to come out or I would not have been able to stand it.
I know a fellow who went to a famous school here. His war killed him. That is, he killed himself because he was never told it was OK to be who he was. His death was a tragedy that should not have happened. Suicide is not the right answer.
And that brings us to families and society.
Little brother, how would your family take it if they knew the truth about you? Would your dad be angry or violent? Would your mom cry? It’s terrible thing for a Thai boy to make his mom cry, but you can make it up to her.
Let’s see if we can agree that the main way a Thai fellow can show he’s a good son is to be supportive of his parents. It’s even more important than being obedient, isn’t it? If you can do that, sooner or later all else will be overlooked. If you can be supportive, you can be gay and it will be OK with your family. So don’t worry about your family. In the long run they will love you and they will accept you.
Listen, little brother, if you were made to love men and you try to marry a woman you will probably break her heart someday. Don’t do it. If you’re made for another kind of love you can’t win by fighting it. You’re OK just the way you are.
April 2012
Struggle for the Truth
No matter how dedicated we may be to the struggle for equal rights as LGBT people in the 21st century, that is not our basic struggle. What’s more, our fight for civil and human rights in religious societies, in society at large, in the body politic, and in the global culture cannot be fully won until the basic struggle has been won. Our basic fight is intellectual. Our real fight is against the binary concept, the false and indefensible, but divisive and destructive idea that sexuality is sharply divided into male and female. The good news is that the binary concept is false and as long as science has a prevailing role in the management of knowledge, false concepts will fail and fade. The struggle we LGBT activists have been waging for the right to survive and the chance to thrive will become moot and we, too, will have those rights and chances.
Put simply, perhaps simplistically, nature does not verify the late-coming notion that the realm of sentient beings is divided into males and females, and that all individuals are one sex or the other, even when it comes to reproductive sexuality. Anthropologists, zoologists and scientists in most fields of applied human science recognize that in nature there are no clear and fixed lines between sexual identities and sexual roles. Even in the narrow realm of vertebrate zoology where male and female seem to be defined by chromosomal or physiological properties, that is only the case some of the time. For example, power, more than random chance among those who have a penis, determines which mammals will win the chance to mate and which will be relegated to bachelorhood. Cleverness can sometimes triumph over power, but that is the exception. Cleverness, allure, and natural endowments play a far greater role with regard to which females become the bearers of the future generation.
Science has not yet arrived at a consensus about how human sexuality has become so diverse, but the conclusion is that there definitely is a continuum between male and female with most humans somewhere in the area of “both/and” when all factors are considered. In addition to physiological characteristics, those factors include sexual orientation, gender expression, and sexual practice. The important point, the great debate, in fact, is that this diversity is not contrary to nature, but consistent with the overall picture. Human sexuality may not exactly mirror the sexuality of trees, or even of chimpanzees, but diversity in human nature is natural in very analogous ways.
With regard to openness about sexual diversity Thailand is ahead of some other cultures, but not by far. On the one hand we have three traditional sexualities: male, female and katoey. On the other hand, the accepted view is that katoeys are female with somewhat inconvenient male physiologies. So rather than undermining the binary concept, the presence of a third sex is discounted. Pretty much the same thing can be said for Thai sexual practices. They are divided into male (generally active, the ones that involve penetration) or female (generally passive, the ones involving being penetrated) or neutral (generally ambiguous, not involving penetration of any orifice). “Let you do that to me? Oh, no! I’m a real man.”
But what would happen if the binary concept were to disappear and we had to come to terms with natural diversity? Sexual indicators would become obsolete. Costumes and language, which are social-cultural developments, would stop functioning as sexual indicators, first. Then would go the tones of voice and gestures and other physio-cultural clues. More gradually we would stop relying on body hair and conspicuous avoirdupois to tell us anything definitive about the persons we meet. Finally, we would even give up counting on Fred Rogers’ famous binary, “some are fancy on the outside, some are fancy on the inside.” None of these would tell us anything about the person’s overall sexuality. Most significantly, we would have to be relating to each other on more valid bases and give up chivalry as well as stereotyping and discrimination.
August 2011
Put simply, perhaps simplistically, nature does not verify the late-coming notion that the realm of sentient beings is divided into males and females, and that all individuals are one sex or the other, even when it comes to reproductive sexuality. Anthropologists, zoologists and scientists in most fields of applied human science recognize that in nature there are no clear and fixed lines between sexual identities and sexual roles. Even in the narrow realm of vertebrate zoology where male and female seem to be defined by chromosomal or physiological properties, that is only the case some of the time. For example, power, more than random chance among those who have a penis, determines which mammals will win the chance to mate and which will be relegated to bachelorhood. Cleverness can sometimes triumph over power, but that is the exception. Cleverness, allure, and natural endowments play a far greater role with regard to which females become the bearers of the future generation.
Science has not yet arrived at a consensus about how human sexuality has become so diverse, but the conclusion is that there definitely is a continuum between male and female with most humans somewhere in the area of “both/and” when all factors are considered. In addition to physiological characteristics, those factors include sexual orientation, gender expression, and sexual practice. The important point, the great debate, in fact, is that this diversity is not contrary to nature, but consistent with the overall picture. Human sexuality may not exactly mirror the sexuality of trees, or even of chimpanzees, but diversity in human nature is natural in very analogous ways.
With regard to openness about sexual diversity Thailand is ahead of some other cultures, but not by far. On the one hand we have three traditional sexualities: male, female and katoey. On the other hand, the accepted view is that katoeys are female with somewhat inconvenient male physiologies. So rather than undermining the binary concept, the presence of a third sex is discounted. Pretty much the same thing can be said for Thai sexual practices. They are divided into male (generally active, the ones that involve penetration) or female (generally passive, the ones involving being penetrated) or neutral (generally ambiguous, not involving penetration of any orifice). “Let you do that to me? Oh, no! I’m a real man.”
But what would happen if the binary concept were to disappear and we had to come to terms with natural diversity? Sexual indicators would become obsolete. Costumes and language, which are social-cultural developments, would stop functioning as sexual indicators, first. Then would go the tones of voice and gestures and other physio-cultural clues. More gradually we would stop relying on body hair and conspicuous avoirdupois to tell us anything definitive about the persons we meet. Finally, we would even give up counting on Fred Rogers’ famous binary, “some are fancy on the outside, some are fancy on the inside.” None of these would tell us anything about the person’s overall sexuality. Most significantly, we would have to be relating to each other on more valid bases and give up chivalry as well as stereotyping and discrimination.
August 2011
The Thai Village Gay Way
Nothing and everything prepared me for this ministry at this point of my life. Nothing in my background even hinted that I could develop an affinity for this range of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual people. I was an Illinois farm boy and I suspect I don’t have to explain how little positive regard for queers and queens I grew up with. And yet here I am on the cusp of seventy years of age with a “group” of fifty or sixty of them in free flow, coming and going, appearing and disappearing, and I feel this is the very thing all my life has been preparing me for.
The other day Pat drove up on her motorcycle. Both Pat and the dilapidated Honda are often dysfunctional, but I was so glad to see her it surprised me. She is hardy, brave, funny and loving. But she has the gracefulness of a boxing arena bouncer, except for her two-inch long fingernails, and she has the ethical level of a numbers runner, which she is. Only God could have moved my heart to an elevated level of affection for this 300-pound mass of gay-ity.
Pat is in the inner circle of our group, as I think of it. There are fifteen or twenty in this core group. They are mostly my partner, Pramote’s friends going way back. That’s how this ministry developed, if it is a ministry. And I have to admit that nothing in my background, in my study for three theological degrees, or in my 40 years of being an ordained Presbyterian pastor and missionary would have suggested this open-house, fluid, do-it-yourself buffet would qualify for the label of ministry that I keep reminding myself it has.
But this introduction isn’t about me as much as it is about a way of caring within this unique group in this northern Thai village context. Pramote is my partner in this undertaking, and my life-partner for the past decade. This is his area of Chiang Mai where he herded water buffaloes and hunted for mushrooms as a boy. He swears he always knew he was gay, it was a given. It was also recognized and accepted by everybody in the village … where the word “secrets” means “we all know, so we don’t have to talk about it all the time anymore.” This openness, of course, is how Pramote’s network of friendships developed. Here you don’t have to rely only on “Gay-dar” radar to intuit kinfolks.
The group, the inner circle of close friends who are in regular contact with each other and who live around here, the wider circle of their gay friends and relatives, and the outer circle of acquaintances and associates of these friends (many of whom live away from here now), are not all the gays there are in our range of villages (a 3-mile radius). We know of many other individuals who would qualify and be welcome. That brings me to the heart of the matter.
It is clear that the dynamics of this group is built around affinity and develops exclusively from a network of friendships. Nothing else has sufficient attraction to hold the group together or to cause anyone to identify with it. At the same time it is a limiting, or rather a leavening, factor. Affinity is what defines as well as describes the group. It is a fellowship that is in constant flux as people move away from the village, or, as in Pramote’s case, move back, as they take spouses, trips and jobs, and as they have issues. It is not a formal voluntary association. Since it is based on friendships it is more durable and takes less maintenance than that. But friendship tends to ebb and flow in proportion to participation in the group’s interactions.
Whenever I begin to wonder whether our association is a ministry in any authentic sense, I am brought back to reality by a list of the thirty activities we have undertaken in the last two years. They are divided about half and half between gatherings to celebrate and express affinity, and endeavors in which the group served the community in unique ways. In every case someone in the group is the spark-plug or organizer and friends in the group are the natural recruits and participants. The group has organized a fund-raising event for the village school. It wasn’t low-key, either. It was a full-scale third-gender beauty pageant with 32 stunning transsexual participants. Hundreds of village folks attended. One part of our group are the flower arrangers for funerals and house blessings. Our group provides the coaching, choreography, costumes and cosmetics for a high school troupe of dancers that are locally famous. We have had outings, er, excursions. Last New Year’s Eve we had a costume ball to welcome the New Year and, yep, it turned out to be a drag-fest. This is the village, after all, not the city. There aren’t a lot of occasions to strut where we live. So, I reckon this is a ministry to the extent that mutual affirmation, affinity, and community service are a ministry.
I have announced to the group that ours is a safe house. “If anybody needs to run, come here first.” Bullying, abuse and violence aren’t common, but before Pramote and I moved back there were at least two gay suicides, so the serene front the village wears isn’t perfect, and being gay isn’t all about being confident of our security. Many parents go through the same curve of denial and force their sons into a period of defiance and defensiveness as in other countries. That can be rough. The group has a role as a model to younger gay guys of how others have survived. And the group is a quiet zone where acceptance is assured. I think of this as a ministry to the extent that providing care, comfort and the assurance of protection for vulnerable people is a ministry.
A third way this is a ministry suffered a major set-back a few years ago when one of the missionaries mounted a series of campaigns to have me stigmatized, if not shunned, by the Christians here in Thailand. It was all done in the name of protecting the Church from my type of abomination, and to cause me such pain, I guess, that I would see how vile I was and repent. What happened is that Pramote lost all of his burgeoning interest in Christianity, and all my contacts with congregations turned cold and formal. I have no church community any more, and so one whole aspect of ministry among and in behalf of gay people in this part of the country has withered.
Of necessity I have become convinced there must be another way to witness to the Gospel in this village context. Over the last year I have been hammering out a theological mode of being a Christian Buddhist. This means living as a Buddhist, integrated into the tides of village life, while maintaining conviction that Jesus Christ provides the final answer beyond the rigors and uncertainty of merit making to escape endless reincarnations. Jesus has many other answers, too. But as long as the churches are so unattractive and inhospitable we will try to integrate into the community we have and discover a new paradigm for presenting the Gospel.
Nothing less than all these years and all my accumulated experiences could have prepared me for this role as a pioneer. I didn’t willingly step out of my comfort zone in the Church, I was evicted, but I think that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing out here.
July 2009
The other day Pat drove up on her motorcycle. Both Pat and the dilapidated Honda are often dysfunctional, but I was so glad to see her it surprised me. She is hardy, brave, funny and loving. But she has the gracefulness of a boxing arena bouncer, except for her two-inch long fingernails, and she has the ethical level of a numbers runner, which she is. Only God could have moved my heart to an elevated level of affection for this 300-pound mass of gay-ity.
Pat is in the inner circle of our group, as I think of it. There are fifteen or twenty in this core group. They are mostly my partner, Pramote’s friends going way back. That’s how this ministry developed, if it is a ministry. And I have to admit that nothing in my background, in my study for three theological degrees, or in my 40 years of being an ordained Presbyterian pastor and missionary would have suggested this open-house, fluid, do-it-yourself buffet would qualify for the label of ministry that I keep reminding myself it has.
But this introduction isn’t about me as much as it is about a way of caring within this unique group in this northern Thai village context. Pramote is my partner in this undertaking, and my life-partner for the past decade. This is his area of Chiang Mai where he herded water buffaloes and hunted for mushrooms as a boy. He swears he always knew he was gay, it was a given. It was also recognized and accepted by everybody in the village … where the word “secrets” means “we all know, so we don’t have to talk about it all the time anymore.” This openness, of course, is how Pramote’s network of friendships developed. Here you don’t have to rely only on “Gay-dar” radar to intuit kinfolks.
The group, the inner circle of close friends who are in regular contact with each other and who live around here, the wider circle of their gay friends and relatives, and the outer circle of acquaintances and associates of these friends (many of whom live away from here now), are not all the gays there are in our range of villages (a 3-mile radius). We know of many other individuals who would qualify and be welcome. That brings me to the heart of the matter.
It is clear that the dynamics of this group is built around affinity and develops exclusively from a network of friendships. Nothing else has sufficient attraction to hold the group together or to cause anyone to identify with it. At the same time it is a limiting, or rather a leavening, factor. Affinity is what defines as well as describes the group. It is a fellowship that is in constant flux as people move away from the village, or, as in Pramote’s case, move back, as they take spouses, trips and jobs, and as they have issues. It is not a formal voluntary association. Since it is based on friendships it is more durable and takes less maintenance than that. But friendship tends to ebb and flow in proportion to participation in the group’s interactions.
Whenever I begin to wonder whether our association is a ministry in any authentic sense, I am brought back to reality by a list of the thirty activities we have undertaken in the last two years. They are divided about half and half between gatherings to celebrate and express affinity, and endeavors in which the group served the community in unique ways. In every case someone in the group is the spark-plug or organizer and friends in the group are the natural recruits and participants. The group has organized a fund-raising event for the village school. It wasn’t low-key, either. It was a full-scale third-gender beauty pageant with 32 stunning transsexual participants. Hundreds of village folks attended. One part of our group are the flower arrangers for funerals and house blessings. Our group provides the coaching, choreography, costumes and cosmetics for a high school troupe of dancers that are locally famous. We have had outings, er, excursions. Last New Year’s Eve we had a costume ball to welcome the New Year and, yep, it turned out to be a drag-fest. This is the village, after all, not the city. There aren’t a lot of occasions to strut where we live. So, I reckon this is a ministry to the extent that mutual affirmation, affinity, and community service are a ministry.
I have announced to the group that ours is a safe house. “If anybody needs to run, come here first.” Bullying, abuse and violence aren’t common, but before Pramote and I moved back there were at least two gay suicides, so the serene front the village wears isn’t perfect, and being gay isn’t all about being confident of our security. Many parents go through the same curve of denial and force their sons into a period of defiance and defensiveness as in other countries. That can be rough. The group has a role as a model to younger gay guys of how others have survived. And the group is a quiet zone where acceptance is assured. I think of this as a ministry to the extent that providing care, comfort and the assurance of protection for vulnerable people is a ministry.
A third way this is a ministry suffered a major set-back a few years ago when one of the missionaries mounted a series of campaigns to have me stigmatized, if not shunned, by the Christians here in Thailand. It was all done in the name of protecting the Church from my type of abomination, and to cause me such pain, I guess, that I would see how vile I was and repent. What happened is that Pramote lost all of his burgeoning interest in Christianity, and all my contacts with congregations turned cold and formal. I have no church community any more, and so one whole aspect of ministry among and in behalf of gay people in this part of the country has withered.
Of necessity I have become convinced there must be another way to witness to the Gospel in this village context. Over the last year I have been hammering out a theological mode of being a Christian Buddhist. This means living as a Buddhist, integrated into the tides of village life, while maintaining conviction that Jesus Christ provides the final answer beyond the rigors and uncertainty of merit making to escape endless reincarnations. Jesus has many other answers, too. But as long as the churches are so unattractive and inhospitable we will try to integrate into the community we have and discover a new paradigm for presenting the Gospel.
Nothing less than all these years and all my accumulated experiences could have prepared me for this role as a pioneer. I didn’t willingly step out of my comfort zone in the Church, I was evicted, but I think that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing out here.
July 2009