A category of exiting church members has come to my attention in the past few days. It is being called the “dones”. This category is made up of people who are feeling “done” with the church and their role in it. They may have been leaders heavily involved and committed to the church, but they are done with that now. They are also done with any other role in the institutional church and may not even be regular attendees at church services.
In contrast to other withdrawing members, the “dones” have no hard feelings toward the church. In most cases there was no precipitating event that led to their departure. They do not disagree, necessarily, with the church or its theology. They have not developed a new point of view that is more enthusiastic than other people in their church can tolerate; they have not cooled down to the point that they are disgusted with the church and do not want to associate with it any more. They still like the church, or at least what they may call “THE CHURCH” as distinct from the institutional church. They do not consider that their faith has withered or their relationship with God has changed. They have achieved closure with the church.
In most cases their separation from the church is irreversible. They will not be persuaded to return. There is no issue that can be addressed to heal their feelings. Their feelings toward the church as a whole have not been hurt. There is nothing to heal.
In reading hundreds of responses to an Internet article entitled, “The Rise of the Dones” that can be found on www.holysoup.com/2014/11/12/the-rise-of-the-dones I think that most of the stories told by “dones” say that they are de-churched for one of two reasons: (a) they are done with the institutional church in order to be unfettered in finding a more authentic form of Christianity, (b) they are done with the institutional church because of being burned out. There are other reasons why active, committed Christians feel “done”.
I am one of the “dones”. Looking back on it I see that my commitment to the church was conditional. I was committed to being a church leader. I was convinced, with much encouragement from community and friends, that I would find that role fulfilling. I prepared for it since about age 16 by being very involved in church work and conscientiously expanding my range of experiences. It was more than a vocation; it was an identity. During the next 50 years my faith grew more mature and my theology did too. When I stopped being in a leadership role my reason for being active in the institutional church ended. I was ready for almost any new leadership role, but the church here in Thailand made it clear I was no longer acceptable. I had broad background as a senior pastor of large churches, evangelist, seminary teacher, missionary, national staff worker and finally as a Christian college administrator. I was not unqualified to change roles and I was available to assist in many ways. But when leadership options ended I no longer fit into any category I was committed to. I was invited to continue as a college administrator, but it was specified I was not to perform any religious functions. I had come out as gay. I was done.
I conform to the category of “done” in that when I chose to distance myself from the institutional church in order to keep from causing them to face issues they are unready to confront (and thereby jeopardizing others), I did so with actual respect for the church. I have positive regard for the church here in Thailand. I know enough of organizational dynamics (having taught that very subject) to understand that the church’s time to face gender diversity has not yet come. I let my former students (now pastors and leaders) know that I was still on call if they wanted me, but the phone never rang. I was disappointed but not surprised. I am neither burned out nor angry. I have a different ministry now, manifesting Christian core values non-confrontationally at the grass-roots (village) level and writing “bridge-building” articles [many can be found on this site]. I am done with the institutional church. I am officially “honorably retired” but my actual status is “done” and I have contentment and closure.
I do miss the pipe organ music.
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Rev. Dr. Kenneth Dobson posts his weekly reflections on this blog.